My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
