hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
