i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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