My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God