Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
