You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
