As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
