I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
