paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
