My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
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I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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