Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
