My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
