anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
