Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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