o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
