I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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