he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
