I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
