Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
