I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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