my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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