Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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