Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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