i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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