All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
