you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's shark week go big or go home
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
