The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
