He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
