So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
