he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
