i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
