two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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