you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
