my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
