cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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