just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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