Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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