I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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