At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
