I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
