Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
