he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
