ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
