i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
