I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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