the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
