DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
