You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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