Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
not ubering you a puppy
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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