I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
PANTIES FOUND
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
