piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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