I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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