So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
