her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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