The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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