just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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