bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
